I am at an age when most of my friends are getting married. Since everyone has their own parameters for choosing the 'right' partner, and most are extremely secretive about their alliances, I have never really tried to intervene or advise anyone. After all, it is the single most important decision that one makes, even more important than deciding a career I believe. To us Indians, this decision acquires utmost importance because we generally think that once married, there is no way out of that alliance, unless extreme circumstances force us to. And no matter what kind of marriage you have, love or arranged, it remains the biggest gamble of your life. No matter how carefully you choose a partner, you can never predict whether your marriage will be a happy one or not.
In all this, if someone were to ask me the one advice that I have to give, it will be this -
Marry a guy who loves his mother.
Controversial? Why would any independent, strong headed woman want to listen to advice like this? But trust me, I have good reason to say this. There is a cliched hindi saying 'Sab kuchh badal jaata hai, par insaan ki fitrat nahi badalti' (Everything can change, except human nature). And this is exactly why I give this advice.
A mother is a man's first exposure to womanhood and unconditional love. It is the purest form of love that exists. In time, most men will grow up with whatever life has to offer and develop complex personalities, which evolves as life changes. But, what doesn't change is his perception of motherly love and his response to it.
So, when you are courting or in a serious relationship, be aware of how he treats his mother, how he talks about her, and his own feelings towards her. Does he stand up for her when he feels she's being mistreated? Does it bother him when she is sick? Does he carry her bag if he feels it's too heavy? Does he talk to her with respect and love and expect you to do the same? Or is he full of complaints? Indifferent to her needs? Does he take her for granted and thinks it's his right to be loved and not love back in return?
For every man, his mother is his first love. He's the one woman he can go to the end of earth for if needed. If he loves and cares for his mom, there's a great chance he has grown up respecting women and appreciating what they do for the family. Which in turn means, that there's a great chance that he will respect and appreciate you too. Care for you when you are sick, hold your bag when it's heavy. But, if he doesn't love his mom enough, there is no way any other woman is getting treated any better. You could come covered in diamonds, be the perfect woman God could create, but still will never get the affection, care or respect you wanted from him. You know why, because everything can change, except human nature.
This same principle applies to various other aspects of our personalities. If you get married to someone expecting that 'you' can change that person, forget it. True, both the partners will have to make adjustments and compromises, they will mature with age, and make changes to their lifestyle, but nothing - not even true love - can change the fundamental personality of anyone. So, if there is something that bothers you grossly, or is in conflict with your principles and character, walk out while you have the chance. For example, if you get to know that your blue eyed boyfriend has been cheating on you, dump him. Right then. Unless you're OK with a philandering spouse (I'm made to believe there is a class of women who is OK with it. I obviously, don't belong to that category). You have absolutely no reason to believe that a person who has strayed once will not do it again. It's in his nature. And if you think getting married is a passport to faithfulness, you couldn't be more wrong. Marriage only makes men more complacent. If he couldn't keep your trust before, it will only get worse after marriage.
Of course, if you are blindly in love, or have already decided your partner, none of this matters to you. No matter how well intentioned advice you may get, you will ultimately do what you feel is right at that point of time.
Each one of us is destined to face our share of ups and downs. If something has to go wrong, it will. But it doesn't hurt to be aware. So, if you are looking for a partner, keep your eyes, ears and heart open. Not just to how you are being treated and made to feel, but also how those around your prospective partner are. If you are still in doubt, make sure you meet his friends. They will give you a fair idea of the kind of people he likes to be around. They are a window to his own personality, aspirations and expectations in life. They will give you an idea of what lies in store for you.
Because, like I said before, 'Sab kuchh badal jaata hai, par insaan ki fitrat nahi badalti' ...
In all this, if someone were to ask me the one advice that I have to give, it will be this -
Marry a guy who loves his mother.
Controversial? Why would any independent, strong headed woman want to listen to advice like this? But trust me, I have good reason to say this. There is a cliched hindi saying 'Sab kuchh badal jaata hai, par insaan ki fitrat nahi badalti' (Everything can change, except human nature). And this is exactly why I give this advice.
A mother is a man's first exposure to womanhood and unconditional love. It is the purest form of love that exists. In time, most men will grow up with whatever life has to offer and develop complex personalities, which evolves as life changes. But, what doesn't change is his perception of motherly love and his response to it.
So, when you are courting or in a serious relationship, be aware of how he treats his mother, how he talks about her, and his own feelings towards her. Does he stand up for her when he feels she's being mistreated? Does it bother him when she is sick? Does he carry her bag if he feels it's too heavy? Does he talk to her with respect and love and expect you to do the same? Or is he full of complaints? Indifferent to her needs? Does he take her for granted and thinks it's his right to be loved and not love back in return?
For every man, his mother is his first love. He's the one woman he can go to the end of earth for if needed. If he loves and cares for his mom, there's a great chance he has grown up respecting women and appreciating what they do for the family. Which in turn means, that there's a great chance that he will respect and appreciate you too. Care for you when you are sick, hold your bag when it's heavy. But, if he doesn't love his mom enough, there is no way any other woman is getting treated any better. You could come covered in diamonds, be the perfect woman God could create, but still will never get the affection, care or respect you wanted from him. You know why, because everything can change, except human nature.
This same principle applies to various other aspects of our personalities. If you get married to someone expecting that 'you' can change that person, forget it. True, both the partners will have to make adjustments and compromises, they will mature with age, and make changes to their lifestyle, but nothing - not even true love - can change the fundamental personality of anyone. So, if there is something that bothers you grossly, or is in conflict with your principles and character, walk out while you have the chance. For example, if you get to know that your blue eyed boyfriend has been cheating on you, dump him. Right then. Unless you're OK with a philandering spouse (I'm made to believe there is a class of women who is OK with it. I obviously, don't belong to that category). You have absolutely no reason to believe that a person who has strayed once will not do it again. It's in his nature. And if you think getting married is a passport to faithfulness, you couldn't be more wrong. Marriage only makes men more complacent. If he couldn't keep your trust before, it will only get worse after marriage.
Of course, if you are blindly in love, or have already decided your partner, none of this matters to you. No matter how well intentioned advice you may get, you will ultimately do what you feel is right at that point of time.
Each one of us is destined to face our share of ups and downs. If something has to go wrong, it will. But it doesn't hurt to be aware. So, if you are looking for a partner, keep your eyes, ears and heart open. Not just to how you are being treated and made to feel, but also how those around your prospective partner are. If you are still in doubt, make sure you meet his friends. They will give you a fair idea of the kind of people he likes to be around. They are a window to his own personality, aspirations and expectations in life. They will give you an idea of what lies in store for you.
Because, like I said before, 'Sab kuchh badal jaata hai, par insaan ki fitrat nahi badalti' ...
very well written....just caught the correct pulse of males...superb...
ReplyDeleteThanks Ajay
ReplyDelete