A few good men

I am, and always will be a staunch feminist. But I am also traditional in many ways, rooted and God fearing. And as I grow older, I see the lines between the binary blurring, with many more shades of grey than just fifty. It is difficult being a woman in India, but it is not easy being a man either. And while feminism is a great ideal to pursue, we must not forget to acknowledge the good men who stand by us, and help us in our fight for gender equality.

I have, for long, been itching to write my views on feminism, but given that there are so many written already about it, I feel this is something that takes precedence over it. We feminists don't acknowledge our men enough. And that is not nice of us. It doesn't do us much good.

I was raised by two very educated parents who were working full-time. We always had the luxury of a cook and a cleaner at home. My mother, though a good cook, was not expected to spend long hours in the kitchen. If the cook was on leave, everyone pitched in, including my father. He used to make the most scrumptious breakfast, and would gladly be our teacher in the kitchen. On days when my mother had to leave early for work, he would patiently braid our hair, which were very long BTW, and make sure our tiffins were packed. Many times, he would attend to his patients with our younger brother sitting on his lap. He was super proud of his girls, who were star performers at school, and he never had a doubt that we would be career women. He would wake up at 5 am many days to tutor us, and emphasized that getting an education was top priority. He ensured that meals were served on the table, and talked to us about our day, about science, about the news, about religion and philosophy. Since we are practicing Sikhs, there was never any restriction on our entering a place of worship. Menstruation was not a taboo subject, and I always told him upfront the exact reason why I was feeling unwell. I feel lucky and privileged when I say, that he had as much contribution in my upbringing as my mother.

It should not take you long to realise that this is an unusual kind of a father by Indian standards. Most fathers in India contribute little to the house except bringing a paycheque. It dawned on me pretty late that my friends and colleagues weren't raised by men who believed in gender equality, and this was an exception rather than a norm.

In a country ridden by sexism and patriarchy, in which women are as guilty (or even more) than men, in keeping it alive, must we not be grateful for the good men? Must we not acknowledge their contribution in our lives. There are many things that privileged feminists take for granted, and easily dis, and it's not doing them any good. Don't get me wrong, I have been careless too, for I didn't know that the things that I thought were normal, others had a hard time perceiving.

It's only when I came in contact with women from myriad backgrounds that I realised how tough life is for most women in India. Despite being educated, a lot of the women aren't able to pursue a career or chase their dreams, because their husbands don't allow them to. Of course, independent women don't need anyone's permission, but how good can life be if two people living under a roof disagree all the time. Imagine how miserable my gynaecologist mother would have been if my father insisted that she always cook him three hot meals a day, or that braiding hair was not a man's job. Not even once in her life was my mother told that she couldn't have the keys to his cupboard, a reality that millions of women live with everyday. I was aghast the first time I got to know that men like this exist. The petty things they do to feel powerful, and suppress their wives. Most women have no say in the financial decisions of the house, even if they are earning themselves, and a vast majority are expected to provide details of how each penny is spent. Men portray themselves as Gods for being the 'breadwinners', while the women are treated no better than a bonded labourer. Many deal with domestic violence on a regular basis.

There was a recent post on the 'Humans of Bombay' in which the lady questions why does the society place men on a higher pedestal? As she rightly says, the husband is as responsible for the child's upbringing as she is. But you see, the truth is, it takes a good man, a courageous man, in a patriarchal society, who will agree to attend a PTA meeting, which has traditionally been the mothers' domain. If he got a round of applause from the other mothers, he deserved it. For, just like it takes a woman of grit to foray into a man's world, it takes a man of substance to foray into a woman's world. Please applaud him. Encourage him. So that others around him feel encouraged to do the same. So that he has something to look up to when someone shamelessly calls him 'Joru ka ghulam'. Why must we not be grateful that men like him exist?

So, my dear ladies, if you are a homemaker who is loved and respected by her husband for her contribution to the house, please acknowledge the good man. If you are a career woman, who can balance work and family with the support of her spouse, please take a moment to know how lucky you are. If you are a young girl who is encouraged to pursue her dreams by her father, please be grateful for his presence in your life. For it is good men like these who are helping us in making gender equality a reality. For these are the men who help lay the foundations of a society in which feminism is not a bad word.

With love and thanks to the three most important men in my life - Papa, VA, and PJ. Who have been real pillars of support, and never questioned my choices in life, no matter how ridiculous they seem.

Love,
H