Relationship red flags you shouldn't ignore

Relationship advice you hopefully don't need.

Lyrics from a popular Hindi song read, "Wo jawani jawani nahi, jiski koi kahani na ho... (That youth is not the real youth after all, the one that has no story to tell...)".

But no one wants their story to be a sad one. If you've decided to take the plunge, but feel that something is off, don't ignore these red flags.

Image courtesy: Adobe Stock Photos

1. Long periods of absence/ghosting - Modern communication has come a long way. Unless your partner is on a top secret national mission, there is no reason why they shouldn't be able to communicate with you. If you experience long periods of silence/absence/ghosting, be prepared to pack your bags and run. If you decide to stay, be prepared to get hurt.

2. Insistence on secrecy - Do they insist on not being seen together in public? You've been dating a while but never met any of their close friends or family? Is there insistence on travelling by road instead of air/train to avoid leaving behind a trail? I see red. 

3. Efforts to cut you off from your support system - This one will not always be immediately obvious. It might begin with simple things like, 'Spend more time with me instead of them'. It'll gradually turn to, 'She's jealous you're dating a great guy. She wants to ruin our relationship.' And then go on to, 'If you want to stay with me, you have to stop talking to them.' These efforts are to take control of your life and to make sure you're trapped. Run, run, run.

4. Indifference - Does your partner care if you have upcoming exams, your health is failing, or you're having financial trouble? Are they willing to invest in you with their time and effort? Do they offer help/solutions if they are in a position to do so? Or do they leave you to fend for yourself? Do they often tell you to grow up and handle it yourself? You know that they know, but they couldn't be bothered. I think you see the flashing red lights.

5. Withholding affection/concealed threats - Affection is the most powerful tool your partner has. They can either use it to make you or break you. Do they deliberately withhold affection when you don't do as they say? Do they make you beg and pine for the love you deserve? Do they test you until you break? Ask you to prove your love? You get the idea.

6. Constant talk of errant 'friends' - If you're gullible, this will be hard to spot. But watch out if they seem to constantly have friends who err. They're likely projecting their own behaviour. And they will likely take a very lenient stance on the erring friend. Normal people will try to distance themselves from such 'friends'. But this person makes it appear like they have no choice, and no better friends than this. It'll be stuff like, 'My 'friend' called the strippers. What can I do?'; 'My 'friend' wants 3 crore dowry. It's his life, he can do what he wants.'; 'I bought these contraceptives for my 'friend'. She has a no-good boyfriend and I wanted to help her.' Watch out and use your common sense. It doesn't take long to put two and two together.

7. Big talk but no concrete action - They have grand plans for everything. The wedding, the travel, the kind of house they want. But their actions don't point to anything concrete. They're the marketing salesperson who is conning you with big talk. Watch out for the faff.

8. Blaming you for wrongdoings you didn't do - Are they quick to blame you for stuff you didn't do? Like talking to a friend becomes cheating. Buying something for yourself becomes wasteful and frivolous. Wearing a slightly shorter dress becomes 'asking for it'. Do they often make you feel ashamed of normal things? Are there double standards? Be very careful. 

9. Abuse - All the above points are emotional abuse. They take a while to understand. But some kinds of abuse are obvious. Verbal and physical abuse. Drunken brawls. Revealing an intention to harm. Be particularly watchful of how they behave after a couple of drinks. Drunk people quickly drop inhibitions and may give out hints at their real behaviour and intent.

10. Trust your gut. Always. - Finally, always trust your gut. You may be too much in love to recognise the signs. When you're in the eye of the storm, you can't see the complete picture. But your heart knows. If it's wrong for you, there will be a constant nagging. There will be a tiny voice in your head telling you to leave. Don't ignore that voice.